Sod's Law
by I'm A Cuckoo
Summary: Those walls that sometimes pretend to be doors - ever wondered how they could pretend to be doors? You know the Marauders are involved. The Marauders are always involved.


_Disclaimer: Anything you recognise is property of JK Rowling._

**Sod's Law**

'So.' The heavy silence was broken by a heavy sigh. 'We're doing it then.'

Three pairs of eyebrows lifted and three heads nodded.

'Course we are!' Sirius said bracingly. He clapped Peter's shoulder as he stood up and moved to the window.

Peter sighed again and James snorted. 'You've got the easiest job!' he exclaimed.

'Anyway,' Remus broke in just as Peter's face turned an interesting shade of puce. 'Let's go through it again, yeah?'

Sirius came back and sat down at the table. 'So, we all set off at 8 o'clock sharp,' he began, 'and Remus, you head off to the classrooms...'

* * *

><p>Tucking a tattered piece of parchment up his sleeve, Remus slipped out of the Common Room and turned right down the long corridor. He stuck to the shadows. James' task was more time-consuming than his and so they had decided that he needed the Cloak more than anyone. Without the usual crowds clogging the corridors up, it took no time at all to reach the main teaching area of the castle. It was here that the Marauders would work their magic.<p>

He tugged the parchment out of his sleeve and smoothed the creases out. He already knew the words, but there was something reassuring about having them right there in front of him. Brandishing his wand, Remus turned to the nearest wall and took a deep breath.

'Right, Lupin,' he said sternly. 'Off you go then.'

'Diss...diss.'

Something tickled his nose. Remus shook his head fiercely, trying to clear it.

'Dissmimulo!' he sneezed at the wall. His wand jerked outwards and paused pointing behind him.

In front of him, a doorknob flickered, trembled, appeared.

'Bugger,' Remus hissed. He glanced down at the parchment. His own neat cursive confirmed his worst fears.

_Dissimulo – to disguise an object, to give it the appearance of something else. Simply think of the object you wish it to be disguised of and move your wand in two quick clockwise circles._

'Dissmimulo!' he groaned. 'What the blazes does that mean?' He looked at the wall behind him. A doorknob had materialised out of the stone. But it wasn't stone anymore. Woody grains were slowly pushing across the slab.

Remus' eyes widened.

'Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.' He wrung his hands and rubbed his forehead anxiously. 'What have I done? What have I done?'

He forced himself to keep still, closed his eyes and thought hard.

As far as he could tell, the walls had disguised themselves as doors. And that was what he'd wanted to do. Yes, alright, he had cast the spell on multiple walls at the same time which wasn't advised, but nothing awful had happened, nothing seemed terribly wrong.

His eyes snapped open. Next part of his task. James wouldn't be able to start if Remus didn't, and the whole prank hinged on these enchantments.

He made his way down the corridor towards the imposing double doors at the far end, trying desperately to regain his composure. The walls made this extremely difficult. Every now and then, down the long corridor, he came across a wall with a doorknob. He reached the central crossroads which connected Charms, History of Magic, Muggle Studies and Arithmancy. Something in the back of his mind was whispering to him, _Don't look. Don't look. If you don't look, nothing's wrong._ But of course he had to look. His head turned towards the Arithmany corridor. At least three new doorknobs had appeared. Remus bit his lip. He looked down the Muggle Studies corridor next and two more doorknobs had been created. He whimpered slightly.

'Shit.'

He didn't dare look closely at the walls ahead of him. Instead he used the long walk to breathe deeply and examine his parchment.

_Denego – to refuse something. You must first slash your wand diagonally from top left to bottom right, then say the spell firmly before slashing your wand from bottom right to top left. The spell will need ten seconds to an hour to work, depending on the refusal._

'Denego. Denego. Denego,' Remus muttered as his approached the door. 'Denego.'

He got out his wand, and slashed the air in front of him, top left to bottom right.

'Denego,' he murmured, and then slashed the air again, bottom right to top left. He waited ten seconds and then tried the door. It opened.

'Ah,' he hissed. Took a deep breath. Tried again.

The door opened again. And again. And again. And Remus, being Remus, tried again. And again. And again.

* * *

><p>'...and James, you check out the area Remus will be working in. Keep it clear of any professors and cause diversions if necessary. Then retrace your footsteps and follow Remus down the corridors.'<p>

Sirius broke off to check that James was nodding.

James was nodding ridiculously.

'Don't be a pillock, Potter. Remus hasn't got the Cloak, and we _need _him.'

'Yes, yes, Black,' James said agreeably. 'My, you do take after your mother when you're under pressure.'

He didn't duck in time to avoid the ink pot that Sirius lobbed at him.

* * *

><p>If he thought it was a suitable way for a rakish mischief maker to move about, James would have been skipping through the halls. This was it. The prank that they'd spent the past three weeks researching was actually happening. Their first prank. The first of many, James thought with a grin.<p>

He had arrived in the Charms corridor and stopped for a moment to admire Remus' handiwork. A wall to the right of him looked so convincingly doorlike that James could have cheered. Even the doorknob was identical to the real ones.

'Fantastic, Remus,' James breathed.

He kept moving, his heart skipping a beat with every new doorknob he saw in the corridors. It was working. They were actually going to pull this off.

He couldn't help but jog to the first set of double doors that broke up the long corridor. Standing before them, he pulled a crumpled piece of parchment from his robes and grinned. With his free hand, he tugged four school ties out from his trouser pocket and jabbed his wand at the door.

'Recognosco!' he said with a smug air of confidence. Then, waving a tie in front of the door, he said, 'Recognosco Hufflepuff!'

Something shimmered in front of the door. James took this as confirmation that the spell had worked. He repeated the spell again for the three remaining ties and each time something intangible shimmered.

'Yes!' James smiled hugely as he walked through the door and it shut behind him with a little click.

'Delibero,' he whispered as he tapped the lock with his wand.

Perfect. James couldn't resist punching the air. Remus had charmed the doors to refuse entry and now he, James, had trained them to recognise which students could pass through judging by their ties. And the real genius of it, Sirius' idea naturally, was that the charms would be delayed. They wouldn't come into effect until the lunchtime rush when practically half the school would be using these four corridors to move about.

He didn't have time to spare. Peter could only spare them ninety minutes, and he'd used twenty already. He still had six sets of doors to enchant.

Filled with the confidence that only comes with success, James jogged to the next doors. He was quicker this time at enchanting them. So quick, in fact that he could see Remus at the far end of the Arithmancy corridor, slashing his wand repeatedly.

Cocky now, and with time to spare, James decided to spice up Remus' quiet evening with a Dungbomb he'd found in his robes. He reached for the door and pulled. It didn't open.

James laughed, a short sound of disbelief. He tugged harder this time, using all his strength. The door didn't budge. The disbelief gave way to panic and James grappled with the door.

'You're being stupid,' he chided. He let out a huge sigh and tensed his hands. 'Just go out the other way, idiot.'

He tried to measure his strides in an attempt to reign in the irrational panic that trembled through him. He grasped the doorknob firmly and pulled. It didn't budge.

'Oh, _shit!_' James shouted. He pulled the door again. And again. And again.

* * *

><p>Sirius sent a fierce glare to James before he continued recounting their movements.<p>

'_I_,' he said loudly to drown out James' groans of pain, 'will distract Slughorn from his patrol duties.'

'Well,' James interrupted bitterly as he rubbed his forehead, 'if you want, I could _poison_ you. I could use a lesser-known potion, one that takes time to create an antidote for. Nothing fatal, you understand, just uncomfortable.'

Sirius smiled charmingly. 'Oh, James. You're so wonderfully thoughtful. I knew I could count on you to think of a convincing reason for why I would be accosting Sluggy after hours.'

Peter chuckled as James simpered back but Remus leaned forwards and asked with some trepidation, 'How _will_ you distract him, Sirius?'

'Oh,' he replied, waving away Remus' worries with an unconcerned hand, 'I've got a vague idea.'

* * *

><p>'Alright, Pete?' Sirius' voice sounded muffled as he stuck his head out of the Common Room to watch Remus' retreating back. Satisfied Remus had cleared the corridor without being spotted, Sirius turned back to look at Peter who was chewing his lip nervously.<p>

'Pete, I told you, stop worrying. We've checked and double checked the plan. Everything is going to go perfectly.'

Peter didn't look convinced but he nodded anyway. He looked at his watch.

'Come on,' he said in a resigned sort of way, 'Time to go.'

Together, they left the Common Room. They didn't get far before someone called them back.

'Sirius! Hey, Sirius!'

Peter gasped and Sirius paled slightly. He turned round and was met with the sight of Louise's head sticking round the Portrait Hole.

'Where are you going?' she asked.

'Oh, hi Louise,' Sirius said smoothly. He grinned at her and jabbed a thumb behind him, in the direction of the dungeons. 'Got a detention with Sluggy, haven't we, Pete?'

Peter nodded weakly. 'Didn't do our homework.'

Louise shook her head with an amused snort. 'Well, if you're back before ten, come and find me!'

Sirius cocked an eyebrow. 'Will do. See you.'

They resumed their journey down the corridor. Sirius was sauntering slightly.

'I tell you, Petey. She _wants _me.'

'Yeah, yeah. You're the biggest stud in all of third year. I bow before your greatness. Teach me your ways, oh master?'

'Shut up.'

They continued in silence and soon reached the dungeons.

'OK,' Peter said, looking from left to right. 'Make yourself scarce. And see you later.'

'Good luck, Pete,' Sirius whispered.

He made his way further into the dank corridor, heading towards Slughorn's office. As he walked, he concentrated hard on looking troubled and upset, focussing on the more terrible insults his mother sent his way to make his expression more convincing.

'So, I've received a letter from home threatening to disown me if I don't transfer to Slytherin,' he muttered, rubbing his eyes to make them look red.

He paused for a moment outside the office and was just about to knock on the door when a noise distracted him.

'Black,' a voice said silkily.

Sirius grimaced before turning round to face the newcomer.

'Malfoy,' he snarled. 'Can I help you?'

'Well,' Malfoy sneered. 'You're the one creeping around Slytherin corridors. Maybe that should be my question.'

'I was looking for Professor Slughorn actually,' Sirius said dismissively. 'So, if you don't mind...' he turned his back and once again faced Slughorn's door.

Malfoy laughed and the sound was soon mixed with other voices.

'You're sure you don't want our help, Black? You're stumbling off the track and we'd be more than happy to guide you back to it.'

'I'm alright thanks, Malfoy. I quite like wandering around off the paths. Feels like an adventure, you know?' Sirius' words were polite enough but his tone was biting.

Someone, he wasn't sure who, had grown tired of the false civility and fired a spell at Sirius. It hit him square in the back and sent him sprawling to the floor, gasping for breath.

Furious, he was on his feet in seconds.

'Oh yes, very impressive!' he laughed angrily. 'How brave and mature of you to attack someone half your age when their back's turned.'

Sirius shook his head in disgust and began to make his way from the dungeon. He was no fool. He knew he stood no chance in a duel against five seventh years. Let alone five seventh year Slytherins whose moral compasses definitely did not point due north. He would find another way to keep Slughorn from his patrols.

'What's that, Siri?' a familiar voice crooned from the shadows. 'Is that any way to speak to family?'

Bellatrix slipped to the front of the group and stood beside Lucius, a dangerous glint in her eye. Her wand danced between her fingers and Sirius watched it cautiously.

'Sorry, Bella,' he said, thinking quickly. He needed to diffuse the situation. The last thing he needed tonight was an angry Bellatrix on the warpath. 'I didn't see you. Of course I wasn't talking about you.'

But it was too late. Some of the seventh years wore smiles now, and one chuckled, 'Teach him a lesson, Bella!'

'Yes,' Bella said, tapping her chin with her wand. 'Yes, I think he does need a reminder of how to behave around his superiors.'

Sirius barely raised his own wand when her first spell caught him in the chest. She gave him no chance to recover. Her charms and enchantments hit him again. And again. And again.

* * *

><p>Remus didn't seem comforted by the hand that was flying through the air as though it held the answer to everything. He turned to Peter.<p>

'Tell me you have a solid plan,' he pleaded.

Peter grinned. 'Naturally. You know I don't ad-lib.'

Remus nodded, reassured. 'And this is why I'm your friend.'

'Go on then, Petey,' James said. 'Tell us everything. Every word, every expression, every cough.'

* * *

><p>The door hadn't even shut behind him before Peter had fired the sleeping charm at the Prefect sat behind the desk at the front of the classroom. The Prefect yawned, mumbled, passed out.<p>

'Bingo,' Peter whispered.

He turned his wand on himself then and said, 'Mimicus!'

He coughed quietly as a burning sensation trickled down his throat and, as the flames seemed to settle around his Adam's apple, he grunted 'Ow!'

Only it wasn't his voice. It was James'.

Peter laughed in surprised delight, and Sirius' baritone chuckle came out.

'Brilliant,' he said in Remus' voice. 'This will work. This is going to work!'

'So,' he asked as James, 'What do we have to do?'

Pause.

'Lines?' Sirius' voice cried. 'You've got to be joking.'

'It does seem a complete waste of time,' Remus' voice agreed.

'Plus I don't have a quill,' Peter complained with a huge smile.

He worked steadily, writing out his lines on one of the blackboards and occasionally complaining in one of four voices. Every now and then the Prefect would let out a sleepy grunt or half a snore. Once he had written about fifty lines, he stopped for a moment to pull out a piece of parchment from his trouser pocket.

He studied the writing on it and then waved his wand at the blackboards in front of him. 'Repleo!' he muttered. Three blank blackboards were suddenly filled with Peter's writing. Now, he turned his attention to each blackboard, he waved his wand again, this time saying 'Imitabilis!' The writing changed to Remus' cursive, Sirius' scrawl and James' precise writing.

Peter allowed himself one disbelieving smile before he picked up his chalk again. It seemed too good to be true. The ease in which the plan was unravelling was just amazing. _But then_, he told himself, _why are you so surprised? Think about who planned all this. _

Peter worked quickly with one eye on his watch the entire time, and was pleased to see that he had finished his one hundred and fifty lines with five minutes to spare. Not wanting to waste a single second, he replicated the lines again. And again. And again.

He checked his watch again and saw that he had two minutes to leave before Slughorn came to check on his detention. He shoved his wand in his robes and turned to face the door.

'Ah.'

Professor McGonagall stood in the doorway, with a bloody-looking Sirius in front of her.

'Just how much trouble do you think you're in, Pettigrew?' McGonagall asked, her voice shaking with undisguised fury.

'I think that depends on how much you saw, Professor,' Peter replied.

Sirius closed his eyes in horror. McGonagall's lips disappeared entirely. The Prefect snored behind them.

'My office,' she hissed. '_Now!_ You have a lot of explaining to do. And you can start with divulging the location of Potter and Lupin.'

Peter and Sirius left the room, walking slowly, as though to their death.

'What happened?' Peter asked out of the side of his mouth.

'Bella,' Sirius said bitterly. 'Bella happened.'

* * *

><p>They didn't make it back to the Common Room before ten o'clock that night. Louise went to bed, disappointed at having missed the opportunity to flirt with Sirius in a dark corner. It was gone eleven by the time the four boys sat in front of the fire.<p>

'What went wrong?' Peter asked for the ninth time.

'The spells went wrong,' Remus said quietly. 'I don't understand how, but they wouldn't lock. I spent ages trying to sort it out. Too long, really. That's how Sluggy got me. And then when James came along and added his own charms, he confused the doors even more. So then they did lock, but they locked him in.'

'Sluggy found me fighting the door to the Muggle Studies corridor. It took him about ten minutes to take the charms off. He was absolutely livid by the time he got to me. Turns out he'd had some trouble all over the castle tonight. Apparently there are loads of walls pretending to be doors in nearly every corridor.'

'Oh, shit,' Remus gripped his hair with frenzied hands.

'Yeah,' James said. 'They can do it on a whim, too. Just turn on the disguise whenever they feel like it. Sluggy reckons it'll take years to find and fix all of them. So that's a month's worth of detentions right there.'

Sirius had his head in his hands. 'Malfoy and his cronies found me as I reached Sluggy's office. Started a duel. Bella got a bit out of control and hit me with some weird curse. Anyway, my shouts caught McGonagall's attention. She'd been on her way to the kitchens when, luckily, she heard me and came to investigate.' He spat the words out. 'Didn't take her long to remember I was meant to be in detention. She was bringing me back to serve my time when we appeared, Pete.'

A brief smile lit up Sirius' face.

'Still,' he laughed. 'It was Petey's finest hour. I've never seen a better replica charm,' he said proudly. 'And you should have heard what he said to McGonagall – '_I think that depends on how much you saw, Professor_!' What were you thinking, you lunatic?'

Laughter broke up the conversation then as all four Marauders enjoyed the moment when Peter's big mouth ran away with him.

'Next time,' James said after they had laughed themselves out. 'Next time, it'll be perfect.'


End file.
